Having sex outside the bed can be dangerous
Isn’t it clear that most of the action in 50 shades of Gray takes place in a bed with its comfy cushions and pillows and everything else? I mean, could an adult version of true bedtime stories go under any other name? As we want you to have as much fun as possible when it comes to the art of lovemaking, and as we don’t want to see you breaking your coccyx or getting into impossible postures, we are here to warn you of the dangers of having sex outside of the bed (or we can help you to make the bed, too).
Inside the car. A danger of sudden death
The car is a classic site, but even though the Road Authorities try to hide the fact, the interior of a car can be a black-listed point of dangerous accidents. Are you going to change the eiderdown for the potential danger of getting the handbrake stuck up inside you? If your battery kicks the bucket, you will have to think of a good excuse to get the pickup to climb to the top of the mountain in search of your car. Unless you have a limousine or something equally spacey, you could end up with a sciatic lumbago, a stiff neck or a painful cramp. Besides, you run the risk of having a peeping shepherd or even some curious cross-country runner making an inopportune appearance at the window of your car.
In the kitchen. A high allergy risk
If you suffer from an allergy to gluten, the leftover grains of flour on the kitchen counter might well take all the good out of the thing. You could also end up with a smell of rotten fish, the extractor could go on fire, or your thermo-mix could go wobbly and you might even end up with a fork stuck in your buttocks. All that and more and who knows afterwards, when you are sitting down to a meal with the in-laws, you might start to remember those postures and poses during all the heated action. Without a doubt, it would definitely be better to choose a bed.
In the wood. Not tenable
The idea of doing it in the wood is very Hollywoodian, but, except for maybe Frodo Bolson and Shreck, orgasms in the wild outdoors are hard to find. Should you be the one underneath, you might just find a quartz stone or some such irritation sticking into some delicate spot that will screw up the whole experience for you. And, if you are into deep gasps and loud slaps you might acoustically contaminate the bellows of the deer and the general call of the wild. Besides, you might awaken some slimy snake or other, catch an allergy, come across the Yeti or upset a gnome. You could get bitten by a bug or even find yourself in a sudden downpour in the middle of the wood. Would it really be worth all that trouble when you can frolic and cape to your heart’s desire inside the safe folds of your comfy bed?
Inside the elevator. Interruptus by force
Unless you are a subtle artistic type, trying to do it standing up could turn out to be a bit too much for you. And then there is the cramped space (imagine with a threesome…), the rush… the arrival of a neighbor bring out the garbage, the sense of claustrophobia, a courier delivery call, the president of the neighbor’s association, the salesman…. In short, the elevator interruptus is a daily reality and perhaps it is simply not worth attempting it with such a high element of interruption risk when you compare it with the privacy, pleasure and bliss of a comfortable bed.
On the sofa. Imagine being interrupted by a blaring T.V. quiz host
The sofa is definitely not a bed, even when it is a sofa bed. You might find your head resting on the same spot that your mother-in-law had been sitting at all afternoon watching the latest reality show. Or maybe the needle that your granddad had been using to darn his socks could get stuck into you, or you might inadvertently lie on the TV zapper and turn on the afternoon quiz show. Be good to yourself. Find your true comfort zone. Get into bed with all its comfy cushions and pillows and there you can give yourself over to your pleasures in true luxury.
It’s all the same to us, or course, as we have long ago taken our vows of chastity and the only ones making love in our workplace are the characters in our drawings. But you active people out there, you should listen to what we are telling you. And if you agree with us that there is no place like a comfy bed, then check out our pillow cases, cushions, quilts and sheets and toss them round your bed at your own pleasure and leisure.